Read the Transcript:

Hello, my friends, and welcome back to The Live FAB Life Podcast.

I'm your host, Naomi Nakamura.

I don't know if it's Mercury Retrograde or what's going on, but this month, life has felt really heavy. It's felt really bothersome. And I don't know, have you felt it too?

I use the word bothersome because I have been bothered by so many things. I’ve been bothered by current events, as I know many of you have. I’ve been bothered by people's actions or lack of actions and attitudes about being safe during this pandemic. I’ve been bothered by changing relationships and changing friendships.

In my own personal life. I have been bothered by pain, from cracked teeth and from back pain, which, you know, until you've actually had back pain, you don't realize just how much your body relies on having a healthy back. I’ve been bothered by my own over committing myself, and my inability to manage my energy, even though I know better, has been really frustrating on my end.

I mean, I even been bothered by news about celebrities. That's how ridiculous I’ve felt lately. And I hate feeling this way. I could joke and say that these are all first world problems, because in the grand scheme of things, they really are first world problems, at least some of them are. But I'm not going to joke about it because these feelings are all very real to me. And they've had a really direct impact on not just how I feel every day, but it’s also impacted my physical health and how I show up, my productivity, etc.

Like I said, it's been very bothersome, because I'm very aware of the situation and the impact that it's had on me, but yet, I still can't help but feel this way.

I know I'm not the only one who goes through periods like this, right? This is all part of life. This is part of the human experience. And so, no, I don't want to minimize or dismiss feelings like this as saying, first world problems. I know that they are, but they're also very real when we feel them.

So, when they come about what do we do? Or rather, what do I do? Or, what have I done? So first, let me say that as with everything I share here on this show, there is no one single answer or one way to do something, right? I’m merely sharing with you my own experiences and what has helped me. And perhaps by me sharing this, you might find something helpful, that might be a solution that helps you work through a problem that you may be having at the moment.

Now in this situation, for me, when I looked at it, and I really asked myself, you know, trying to get to the root of it, “Why am I feeling this way? Why am I feeling so bothered? Why are all these little things feeling so magnified and bothering me? Why do I feel so depleted?”

Well, because I actually have not felt connected with myself.

I let myself become overscheduled, took on too many responsibilities, some that I really could have said no to.

I've put too much pressure on myself to deliver things that really no one's asking for. I just thought it was a good idea to do. And so of course, being the project manager that I am, I put together a schedule and really pressured myself to stick to these self-imposed deadlines that really had no ramifications anywhere else.

And so what happens when I go through periods of this, usually once or twice a year, is that I get really inundated with all these ideas and things I want to do and people I want to help and volunteer for things.

I commit myself to things and then what happens? Well, my brain and my adrenals go into overdrive.

When that happens for me, and I know for many others, it really impacts and disrupts my sleep. That in and of itself is so life altering, right? Because if you don't have good sleep, you really can't function. It just damages us on a daily basis in so many impactful ways. And as a result of just having disrupted sleep, I was suffering from low energy. I was grumpy and really irritable to be around. I had really low productivity and, in short, I just wasn't living my human design as a Projector.

I wasn't managing my energy and if you’re not sure what I'm talking about, I will link to a couple of related episodes about my Human Design profile and what it means to be a Projector in the show notes, but it also doesn't matter what the designs are.

We all need to have a way to manage our energy. That's going to look very different for each of us, because we all have different thresholds of energy. We all manage it very differently. We all have different demands on our time and our energy.

So, for me, what happened was, I got out of the habit of doing all the things that uplift me and energize me, and really lets me connect with myself.

And, of course, this was really coming out of the holidays, right? What happened for me is that I have two full weeks off from my full-time job, and I thought, “Oh, I have all of this time to do all of these personal projects, in my home, and in my side businesses that I really wanted to do.”

Then coming back out of the holidays, you know, it's like the new year. I took on all of these new projects, at work that I wanted to get involved in, while my side projects are still going on.

And then of course, all of the just life happens. And it took a lot out of me.

So, I had a choice, right? We always have a choice, what are we going to do about it?

What did I do about it? How do I choose? Or do I even choose to come back to myself to reconnect with myself?

Or do I continue to power through and to push through? And to really try? And the reality is continuing to live in this depleted state?

Of course, the answer always is that you can never continue in a depleted state. So there really wasn't any choice.

But believe it or not, it did take me a couple of weeks to well…intellectually, I knew that there was no choice. That I really needed to come back to myself.

But the act of actually doing something about it and coming around and deciding enough is enough, I'm gonna stop what I'm doing and take action that took a little bit to say, but this is what I did.

And this is what I want to share with you today.

So, the very first thing I did was something that I have never done before.

I took pen to paper because I thought it would be more meaningful for me to handwrite, all the things that bothered me.

And I did so unfiltered and unedited because no one else is going to see this information, just me.

I was able to really get honest with myself and put things out on paper that perhaps I know I would never say to another human being. I just listed everything out, something I've never done that before.

I think we always have a way of filtering ourselves, censoring ourselves, whatever you want to call it because we don't want to hurt somebody's feelings or whatnot. But don’t even want to face and admit the things that bother us.

But I did it all – raw and unfiltered. In hindsight, never doing that before, when things bothered me in the past, I really just swept it under the rug. And kinda just willed myself to just not think about these things anymore. Not let it bother me.

But the truth is, I never really let it go. Suppressing thoughts and feelings like that, it just builds resentment. And that's not a feeling that I like to have. It's not a feeling anybody likes to have.

So, I journaled everything out. I wrote it out, I did it in list form. Some things I elaborated on, and other things I wrote it out. No explanation needed. No justification. No reason. I just I felt that way.

I have to tell you, it felt really cathartic. It felt cleansing, like when you take cleansing breaths, it's like it just cleared it out.

Now that I let it out in such a physical way, it made me feel like I could just let this go.

I know some people like to write up on paper, burn it. I didn't do that. I wrote it out, and then once I did, it felt like I could just let it go. This exercise really reconfirmed or affirmed to me that I am a solid and Enneagram One because a lot of the things on that list, when I had listed it all out, could see what the commonalities were.

It ranged from things like what bothers me at work, what bothers me in my relationships, what bothers me with celebrities. There was a common theme there. And it really came down to things that I felt were unjust, or that justice hadn't been served, or that justice had been violated.

Someone had been wronged, whether it was me or someone else.

That was really eye opening for me to see this pattern. Justice is definitely a trait of the Enneagram One.

So, I don't know, it was just something that I guess I never realized how strongly I felt about it in so many different situations. That’s something that I will keep in mind for future observations.

Speaking of observations, there are three things that I have been trying to focus on that I've explored through the Ground Space meditation circle that I've shared about often, particularly in Episode 151 maybe. I'm not sure I will go back and link to it in the show notes.

I attend the weekly Ground Space meditation circle where we talk about different things, and then we meditate. I've been attending this for almost a year, and three particular themes have come up that have really struck a nerve with me that I really need to work on that not easily achieved.

In fact, I think they’re lifelong efforts that will go on.

And the three things are:

1. Practicing forgiveness with myself and for others
2. Practicing nonjudgment
3. Having discipline.

So when I talk about observations, these are things that I'm observing.

How I experienced them.

How they come up for me

What my reactions are to them.

After going through my journaling exercise of listing out everything that's bothersome to me, I've been trying to practice discipline and get back into the habits of doing the things that helped me connect with myself so that I just don't feel so bothered anymore.

When I’m able to reconnect with myself, I feel more energized and uplifted.

Here are the things that I have specifically done or observed.

I’ve been trying to lean back into my human design as a Projector. By doing so I’ll naturally manage my energy. Because being a Projector is all about knowing how much you have to give and putting in boundaries to manage that energy.

This applies to everyone, but with Projectors specifically, we only have certain number of hours of the day to work. The rest of our time should be spent doing other things and resting.

So as a projector that is critical for me to do, and it’s something I hadn't been doing.

So, living my human design as a Projector will naturally manage my energy.

With that, I really learned that I needed to be realistic about what I can do in a single day.

I needed to be realistic about how long a task takes me to do complete. I can't have a task of 10 things when it takes me all day to do two things, right? That's not gonna work for anybody, but especially for a Projector.

I also observed that I actually had four different to do lists.

No wonder I was just feeling so overwhelmed, because how am I supposed to keep track of everything I had to do when I had four different sources of truth, right?!

It felt so scattering to me, I felt like I was always so behind because I had to do lists in four different places. And then that made me feel over scheduled and overburdened. So, I needed to address that and consolidate everything back into one list and be a lot more realistic about how long it takes me to do something. Then only one or two things on my to do list every day.

The second thing was leaning into my human design Authority.

In my human design chart, I have a Splenic Authority.

That means it’s meant for me to rely on my primal instincts about what to say “yes” to and what to say “no” to.

There are definitely things that I took on that my primal instincts knew that it just wasn’t a good idea to do. But you know, of course, you want to be helpful to others, so I took them on.

In the end, it really wasn't a good experience or even a good idea. Not just me taking it on, but the overall outcome. So, if I had just leaned into and listened to my instincts, it could have been a much better situation for everyone involved.

The third thing is what I just shared - journaling. In the past, I would be like, “I’m going to journal 30 days in a row and see what happens.”

While I love that idea, and I’m taking that approach with certain things, the reality is that I've tried to do that so many things, and I've never done it successfully.

And so, I feel like doing that is just setting myself up for failure, because I'm putting this pressure on myself. And then it becomes something that I “have to” do, that “need to / have” to as opposed to “This is a really good thing that helps me. It's a great experience, and I want to do it”.

So, this time around, I’m journaling my thoughts and ideas and inspirations as they come to me - not just first thing in the morning or at the end of the day. I just record them as they come to me in the moment, both the inspirations and the thoughts and ideas that uplift me and make me feel good.

I’m also continually adding to the list of things that bother me because maybe if I can just acknowledge it and get it out. As soon as they come to me, I can let it go back quickly.

What I'm finding is in the past where I had this pressure on myself that I'm going to journal for 30 straight days, by doing it in the moment, I'm actually naturally going through this exercise every day. It just happens. It's not these like super long paragraphs, sometimes it's just a couple of lines. Sometimes it's just the bullet point but it’s been huge in helping me connect back with myself.

Another thing I've been doing is meditating. Meditation doesn’t come easy for me.

I really enjoy the experience, I love it. Me doing it on my own is something that doesn't always happen. But I’ve been trying to do it more for myself outside of the weekly Ground Space meditation circle. It’s actually been nice. I've been finding different sources whereas in the past, I would just listen to the same guided meditation over and over again, which I think I just got bored with. But now I have different sources I'm exploring, and I'm really enjoying the experience. Some of guided meditations are short 2-3 minutes, while some of them are longer, like 30 minutes. It's really doing a lot to calm my nervous system, particularly before I go to bed.

And then just in the morning, I think that's based between when you just wake up and before you actually get out of bed, that's a really critical time and setting the tone of your day.

So even if I just have two minutes there, it's really making a difference for me. And along the lines of meditation, returning to the weekly Ground Space meditation circle, because we had taken a brief break during the holidays, and that was when I started to take more things on. Then I got overwhelmed and actually didn't attend again until recently. So, it's been really nice to get back to that community.

And then lastly, and this is perhaps the simplest thing that really anybody can do to help them connect back with themselves and it's helped me come back to myself is to simply pause and breathe.

To close my eyes, and I take a few deep clearing breaths.

It's helped me to reset myself in that very moment. Sometimes I'll also get up and stretch, especially if I'm sitting at my desk and just powering through whatever work that I'm doing. That moment of pause to breathe and stretch keeps me from losing track of time and getting lost in the momentum of work and powering through and skipping a meal perhaps.

But it really helps me observe in a non-judgmental way, and that's when I've really been able to acknowledge and recognize when I've had enough for the day. When, if I continue doing what I was doing, I'm going to cross that threshold of degeneration where it's going to start to deplete my energy.

And so, taking those moments to check in with myself doing this over the past couple of weeks, I already see it as having tremendous impact and helping me to manage my energy better, which means I'm also managing my stress better.

And it comes from those moments of observation.

We observe other people, but more than anything, observing myself and then practicing non-judgement about what it is that I observe. Then, having the discipline to continue to practice this observation.

Doing the things that help me connect with myself gives me the energy to have more meaningful experiences instead of just going through the motion.

More meaningful workouts, more meaningful conversations, more objective perspectives, having a better attitude, eating better, not stress, eating, preparing more nourishing meals, and not just reaching for snack foods in the moment, because there's nothing else to eat in the house.

It's just all been more meaningful. I'm showing up for myself better. I'm showing up at work better and being a better coworker, a better employee.

Hopefully being a better friend, a better family member, and being more productive.

I find myself wanting to be social and above all having more empathy for others.

When I connect with myself, I'm able to connect better with other people. I think that's so important right now, especially as we've continued to social distance.

I also noticed that when I connect with myself better, I'm also able to better uphold the boundaries that I set for myself and are able to uphold those boundaries with myself where I'm not violating my own boundaries, but I'm also able to hold other people to the boundaries that I've set as well.

So overall, life has been better when I give myself the opportunity to connect with myself and choose what I want out of my day versus letting the day choose for me, if that makes sense.

And so, I share this with you because I know we all go through these ebbs and flows, and I want you all to know that we all have the opportunity to do these things for ourselves, no matter what circumstances we're in, no matter what our workload is like, what our family situation is like, what our living situation is like, what our financial situation is like.

We all have the opportunities to pause and to take a breath and to observe, and to practice self-forgiveness.

And if you're able to journal and meditate and figure out what things give you more energy, lean into those things. And what things deplete your energy and as much as possible, manage how those things impact you.

So, I want to hear from you.

How do you connect with yourself? Are you connecting with yourself? aAe you choosing what you want out of your day? Or is life just passing by and choosing for you? Or are you just going through the motions, right, and just letting your day run your life?

Come on over to the show notes over at www.livefablife.com/160 for Episode 160. You can share your thoughts with me in the comments or you can come over and find me on Instagram. I post to my feed almost every episode, and you can comment there.

But I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to connect with you. This is the kind of conversations they love to have with people to see what works for them and what doesn't and, you know, get ideas for myself just like I'm sharing my ideas with you.

So that's it for this week. You can always find me like I said on Instagram, on my website, and I’ll be right back here with you again next week.

So bye for now!